This is the definition of struggling through a painting until it’s sort of okay/”i-mean-i-guess-it’s-done-because-I-can’t-look-at-it-anymore”.
One of the personal projects I am juggling is to do an illustration for every song from Utada’s album Exodus. Because.
Just the right emotional palettes.
And rediscovering teenage things you thought were so /deep/ but now youre an adult* so you interact with the songs and their contexts and narratives muuuuch differently.
I decided to forgo my initial ideas for track 02, “Devil Inside” (WOMAN OF THE FLAME SUMMONING A CEREBRUS FROM THE DEPTHS OF ANIMU HELL!! Maybe she has a SCYTHE BECAUSE SYMBOLISM.) I tried to get a bit more personal by going through my teenage memories of what a personal “devil” would be.
And I have distinct memories of being 13 or 14 and experiencing initial MASTURBATION GUILT/SHAME (queerness definitely played a part in that too). My very first thought was OH NO I BROKE MY PEEPER…and then googling “is masturbation a sin”. After heavily researching yahoo answers, I lolzed and thought “oh well, i dont really want to go to a heaven where liking boys or masturbation isn’t allowed”.
Anddddd now look at me~
I am a full fledged level 99 masturbating demon conjurer of the flame who barely kisses boys (so I can still go to heaven #ayeeee)~!
(i mean full disclosure/tmi, I am pretty sure I fapped after taking these reference photos. because self-care/self love is important. And i mean I was already in prime position.)
Anyway! This probably wasn’t the best time to experiment with crude marks over more refined/painterly imagery….or to experiment with image content (since I am also submitting this to a fantasy illustration call for entry). At one point I got halfway through painting this, and said THIS IS HORRID and started thumbnailing again and tried to do an entire new piece in 2 days.
And while I think the image could be much more effective (not enough simplicity/trying to cram too many ideas in one image), I am excited about the journey to make this image…which is what the Exodus is about I guess. HAR HAR HAR. Exodus get it?
… I need to equalize my brain and draw a magical girl transformation sequence asap.